March 15, 2013
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Thinking again…
So i seems to me that i have become someone who is looked at as being in-sincere….
I had believed that i had always been upfront and open to everyone. unless of course i was in trouble, but that’s kind of a given for anyone. Have i always been looked at that way? Have i been just using Dillon for rides home? I myself am pretty sure i have not. Dillon on the other hand thinks so…. Being that Sam thought so as well puts me in a mental tizzy…. Do i give the impression that i don’t care about my friends? Because i do care more than they think if that is the case. I mean why would i do anything for them if i didn’t want to? I have no clue what i’m doing wrong. I also think that is why I can’t actually date someone for more than a month or so…. I mean when Phil just disappeared I was pretty hurt. I said all these pretty lies about how i should depend on him and that we would be together, which i finally wanted to believe. I gave in and wanted to be with him and at the same time i know i am willful and was trying to keep it in check. Who would have thought the one day i tried to go after it would be the last day i see him. He probably just thought i as trying to get in his pants if i am following this trend correctly.
I don’t know. I’m just coming up with theories just because i have no idea what to do. how do i change it? what am i doing in the first place that would make them think that? I really have no clue. i have just been dragging around since i found that out. I’ve been a little depressed. it hurts that i didn’t realize that my friendship with other people is viewed as something so shallow…. I know its probably because they don’t know me that well or because of my random mood swings, but i want them to know that i care for them. How to convey that properly is probably the problem. I can’t do anything fancy…. I don’t have a car so i can’t invite them somewhere and have them show up. That could make it seem that i’m just using them again.
Then there is the question of how am i going to keep them as good friends after i move? I am really not good at keeping in contact with anyone. Its not that i don’t think about them, its just that i don’t get around to it. A lot of things end up that way admittedly…. i don’t know… I feel like i have so many things to do and i need to get them done as quickly as possible, but time itself is in my way. I really do end up wishing this day would be over so i can get to the next so i can get my stuff done. Even today, i was simply waiting until 11 pm so i could pay my phone bill. I was bugging myself about it right up until 10:40 pm where i made myself check my account and found the money for the bill was there. Right after that, well currently, I am bugging about my other bill payments. Not to mention how i need to get everything together for work and figure out what hat i can wear so my face doesn’t darken in the sun anymore than it has already. i need another dread wax for my hair but the shipping price is horrible. I need to figure out how i can cancel winder farms grocery delivery as well…. I wonder if Joni is going to be at home next eek so i can visit…. if i can get over there…. I’ll probably feel better when i have a car. Where i also need to get my licence work done…. (lol it feels like if i were to change my personality i would be an uphill battle lol)
well until next time….
